On Time Travel
Knowing Andrea
If this works, I could avoid this ever happening in the first place. My clammy hand still on the lever. The glowing portal hovering in front of me. Interestingly the portal was only the size of a dime. Which I found to be...disappointing. I mean I’d researched so much about time travel over the years. My research being tv shows, movies, comic books, and sci fi novels – no stone unturned! I knew enough to know that portals are fucking big and make a whooshing sound. Andrea had told me that all that was needed to send messages back was a pinprick of a hole in the space time continuum. And so this little quarter would do.
To be honest, I was still gagged that Andrea had trusted me with keys to his lab. I thought that it was pretty clear that I was going to test his machine without permission. I mean, we are talking about me here. Andrea was a sarcastic, smart and rather pleasant gay boy I’d met in CrossFit a couple years ago, the autumn before the pandemic of 2020. He and I had become better friends drinking gin on Brooklyn rooftops that summer. Andrea was considerate and listened when I spoke. And I would rant and rave to him about the problems I had with the theater industry. My chosen industry. The one I’d devoted the last fifteen years too. Andrea put his hand on my shoulder when I told him about my failures to advance, he nodded when I explained how hard I’d worked, he affirmed me when I wondered if I was good enough to run a theater. And lastly, in a drunken state, he confessed to me that he was not in fact a HIV researcher as he’d told me. Andrea was actually a Physicist working on top secret government experiments with time. And it all made sense! His coy demeanor, his quiet “knowing” when I talked to him about how I’d “studied” via Star Trek Voyager time travel episodes. Andrea had actually discovered time travel! Or at least message time travel! Andrea explained in slurred and sloppy language that he was at the point where he could reliably send digital data back in time, which he was sure wouldn’t be so useful but proved the laws of temporal mechanics of blah blah blah. I stopped listening right then and there, because I had watched enough late night scify chanel to know exactly its use; if you could send a digital message back in time to a specific person on a specific date - you could change the world. Andrea gave me the keys to his lab that night as I left his house. He winked at me. I think he winked. Why would he wink?
I stood in front of the keyboard resolved. I would undo years of mistakes with just a few words: “Choose Joan Rivers”. My fingers shook. I hit send. Then the whoosh came! Loud, a gust of air. And right before my eyes the portal grew from a quarter into a silver dollar, a beach ball, a great Stargate Atlantis sized hole - and out of it stepped a figure. Wide shoulders, oooo he works out, shaved head, clean shaven face that was that was that. It was me.
“Bitch, WHAT have you done?”
But a much more stylish me. Expensive clothing. And hotter. I mean I do CrossFit, but this boy had a personal trainer.
“Seriously, did your seminal years watching shitty Star Trek episodes teach you literally nothing at all?”
This new Jesse was around my own age, but you could see in his eyes a sharpness, a defensive clever edge. This was evil a Jesse!
“Oh my god, try to stop staring like a cow for one second! He said you might be stunned. And I am pretty stunning. Stay with me gurl. Hellooo. Sir Galahad. You remember that yes?”
I came back to myself. That old childhood nickname. God, from first grade. My dad used to call me that. This wasn’t an evil Jesse. It was just Jesse.
“Ok. So you’re me.”
“I mean, you’re me but yes both. I got your note.” “Joan Rivers!”
“July 12th 2006 - I sat down at my work desk at SJI and pulled out my palm pilot to see what the schedule for the day was. And maybe like write a poem or whatever. God poetry. I used to love that ridiculous crap. Do you still write poetry? No don't tell me, I could not bear it if you said yes.”
“The message?”
“Why you asking me about the message? You sent the message! You broke my damn palm pilot with your message. All the appointments, all the notes, it all became Joan rivers, Joan rivers, Joan rivers.”
“So wait, you took the job then!”
“Of course I took the job. Joan rivers is the reason I am the man I am. She got me into the business. She correctly made me change my fashion. She’s the reason I became the star of queer eye-“
“The star of queer eye?”
“Do they not have it in this reality?”
“Yes but-“
“Oh my god. WITHOUT US??”
“Sorry. You know Joan rivers did have some problematic views on Palestine.” “Palestine isn’t a thing. Stop trying to make it a thing. No one cares.”
“...”
“Anyway. Andrea sent me back.”
“Andrea?
Yeah you know, boring but smart?
“Hey I love Andrea. We, you, how do you know Andrea?”
“CrossFit”
“Oh. Weird. Same.”
“He discovered time travel manipulation and found your, well your intervention already existed. From there he extrapolated how to send a body, not just a message back. He sent me back to get you to undo what you did, not send the letter, let time proceed on its normal path, correct the universe before something terrible happens, like being bff with Joan could end the universe...but I have a better idea.”
“Wait what terrible thing?”
“I don’t know, paradox’s, time splitting, you know Andrea, three min in and it’s like I can’t hear his voice anymore. But my idea! We send another message.”
“Why?”
“Listen, I get what you were trying to do. Change your career cause you made a bad choice? I get it. But I’m miserable jc. Life is one long meth party and my husband is rich and dull. We need to go further back. Colin. We need to get us to not cheat on Colin.”
“Colin Cunliffe?? He hates me.”
“Hates me too. Even though I’m famous. It’s insane. But if we never cheated on him with Michael, I’m betting we’d still be with him.”
“20 years? You think we’d be with him for 20 years?”
“He’s so hot now”
“Same in this reality. Ok, let’s try it. Hey, by the way, do you still do theater ever?”
“Theater? There’s no money in that. I wrote that one awful play when I was 19 and then. No. Do you?” “Yeah but-“
“Right career change. Come on gurl, let’s get us a man.”
The message sent to 2000: “Don’t sleep with Michael. It’ll ruin everything.” Sent. A woosh. The portal shrunk back to the size of a quarter. Then suddenly expanded again! Another black man stepped through the gate. But this time, he had hair! A neat respectable fluffy afro that made me clutch my pearls in jealousy. Dressed in loose fitting yoga pants and a smile.
“Hey guys!” It was me. Another me.
TV Jesse rolled his eyes. “I know what my friends mean now, hanging out with me is exhausting.”
“So guys, hey. I’m you, clearly. And you’re ruining time. I'm sorry.” The new Jesse looked so sad to tell us this news that we kind of already knew.
“Wait, so you’re the us that is still dating Colin and that made you, umm better?” I inquired.
The new Jesse burst out laughing “Colin Cunliffe? Oh my god. Nooooo. I cheated on him when I was like 22 and we broke. I was so confused back then. I started to get more auditions and there was this casting director-”
“You’re not with Colin?” I turned to TV Jesse “Well, I don’t think you thought this through.” 3
TV Jesse smirked “Oh I don’t know about that. How’s the HIV Jesse?”
The new Jesse got a look of sympathy and care on his face “Oh I mean, yeah it still exists in my universe. Does it not exist here? I perform in Broadway Bares Equity Fight AIDS every year, so it’s a charity that’s very close to my heart.”
I looked at TV Jesse, he looked just as horrified as I did. “You’re not HIV positive?” I asked shocked
“You’re a fucking stage actor?” TV Jesse asked, equally aghast.
Actor Jesse nodded. “I know it’s funny to have me, an actor, time traveling. But Andrea said that since I was the one in multiple realities that had been broaching the timelines it was safer to continue to have me be the one to intercept. Andrea said that if we send one last message back to you Jesse, no not you Jesse, you Jesse, before you send the message to Jesse in the first place, we can erase all these timelines and-”
I turned to TV Jesse angrily “This was your plan all along wasn’t it? To erase HIV from our lives? That’s...so sad man.”
TV Jesse rolled his eyes, which it seemed like was pretty much all he could do “It’s not weird and you know it. It was a terrible inconvenience for us for years and years and this fixed that. Except the actor part?”
“Are we wondering how he knows Andrea?” I asked, actually really curious.
“He can lift like 220 on his backsquat and oh my god, his butt when he does it. He’s kinda hot right?”
“So odd” What was up with that dude?
Actor Jesse went on “I mean, it’s okay you guys. Like regarding HIV. I mean, I’m sorry. I played Belieze in Angels in America last year so-”
“He wasn’t HIV positive.” I snapped
Actor Jesse realizing this nodded again “Oh yes duh. But you know, I think about it.”
TV Jesse turned to Actor Jesse again “Have you won any awards? Recognitions? Prizes?”
Actor Jesse kind of smiled a bit too broadly “No but you know I work a lot. Off broadway-”
TV Jesse cut him off “That’s enough, thanks. This was clearly a mistake. We didn’t go far back enough. We have to go to 1998 this time.” TV Jesse took a step torwards the time machine.
“Hey now-” I blocked his way.
Actor Jesse took a step towards us “Hey guys. I know this is a lot but Andrea said that we should really not be doing this. It’s like put strain on time? Which I think, I mean, it like is bad.”
“1998. We stop us from moving to new york city.” TV Jesse declared “WHAT??” Actor Jesse and me cried in unison.
“That’s insane” Actor Jesse followed up.
“New York is my life” I agreed.
“There isn’t a world outside of NYC” Actor Jesse was close to tears.
“Oh my god did it get destroyed in your reality?” I asked.
“No no, it’s just. Acting in regional theaters has really taken it out of me.”
“Do you like it? I mean, like the theater?” I was curious if Actor Jesse was having a better time than me.
“Well I mean the pandemic was tough. But the theater made it. The theater always makes it. It’s fine. I wish that I had gotten more traction. I think that my look is just, I don’t know, overplayed in the states-”
Unfortunately while Actor Jesse and I were becoming wrapped up in each others careers, TV Jesse took his moment to act. Typing into the machine, he entered 1998, a short message to a former us: Choose San Francisco. A woosh, a shrinking into a quarter, another sudden expansion, wind, and another figure walking into the room.
SF Jesse had long dreadlocks, reading glasses, a notebook in his hand, a slightly lowered head. He waved at us with a soft certainty. “Gentlemen, Andrea is really mad at us.”
TV Jesse sighed “Why do we all know Andrea? This is more than a coincidence.” SF Jesse “Well he’s been my boyfriend for the last three years soooo.”
Actor Jesse gagged “Hot!”
TV Jesse moaned “Ewww!”
I just sort of nodded “I can see that. So he sent you back to stop us. Again.”
“Stopping a Jesse by force has never worked. I’ve come to reach consensus” SF Jesse sat down in Andrea’s lab chair. He reached into a drawer, and took out a bag of gummie worms like he knew they’d e there, which he did. He knew Andrea the best. SF Jesse opened his arms and gestured for us to join him, and we did, sitting on the floor like his acolytes. “So it seems strange to introduce myself, but I suspect that I’m quite a bit different that the three of you. Hi. Jesse Cameron. I have my phd in poetry, but I mean, what’s in a degree right? I believe in people. So what’s up with you guys? Do you want to go first?”
“Oh my god you are so sanctimonious” TV Jesse turned away
Actor Jesse eagerly raised his hand “Hey yeah, I'm happy to introduce myself. I’m Jesse. Just Jesse. The Cameron part was confusing people. I’m an actor. In New York. I live in bed sty and, yeah, I’m just so happy to start this process with all of you.”
I spoke up “I’m Jesse, I'm a dramaturg. I don’t know, I think I'm prime reality Jesse? Not that this has to be a hierarchy.”
“No no, of course not Jesse. Thanks for saying that though. Lastly, Jesse?”
“Fine.” TV Jesse turned on his bright TV personality for a moment “I’m Jesse Cameron Alick, I work as a tv host and brand model, I live in hell's kitchen. I'm fucking famous and I have more money than god. I go out dancing to MEAT parties a lot.”
“You’re a fucking circuit boy?” I felt lightheaded
“No, I'm the king of the circuit boys. Long may I rule.”
I simple hand raised from SF Jesse somehow silenced us “So brothers, for is what we are, brothers. This is coming from me, not Andrea. He and I have a respectful relationship with boundaries. I have my own mind and I’m speaking from that place now. You have to stop this. You can’t fix the present by reaching into the past. You’re straining the limits of what this universe can take. History cannot be changed, but if faced with bravery, need not be lived again.”
Actor Jesse put a hand to his face “Wow. That was...amazing. You are such a light.”
TV Jesse gasped “THAT was Maya Angelou bitch. I see you! Plagiarizing like cause we don’t have a PHD and you do, we never saw Ms Maya deliver that poem at Bill Clinton’s inauguration. You ain’t deep bitch.”
I put my hands up, finally realizing the chaos I had unleashed “Yo, JC’S! Stop. I think he’s right. I’m right. We are right. We can’t go on like this. I wanted to get out of the theater, you wanted to not have a complicated sexual 20’s, you wanted, well nothing, you’re find Actor Jesse, I mean, you’re very sweet. But we can only have one reality...and I think that as prime Jesse I should get to choose how we change it. Next we will-”
A woosh! The portal brightened. And Jesse stepped out. This Jesse had clearly never seen a gym in his life. He was bald like me, but was scruffy and thin, but god, somehow more handsome than the rest of us. He had the look in his eyes of someone who knew that they were successful.
“Hello darlings. You miss me?”
“But we didn’t-we were just about to-”
“No apparently you will though. In about an hour or so. Right the timelines, but before you do, one more note. From that one.” He pointed at Actor Jesse. The newest Jesse had a faint accent, slightly English. Kind of put on. But I didn’t mind it. It suited me.
“Oh. Wow. I was considering. I mean, I always kind of wanted to live in London. I thought my career might take off more in the English acting market.” Actor Jesse looked mortified, but it was clearly an act. A bad act. I’m think I’m a bad actor. “So, how’s work?”
London Jesse laughed and sat directly in SF Jesse’s lap “You mind? Of course you don’t. Darling, I quit acting ages ago. I mean, I fuck plenty of actors if that’s any consolation? I imagine it’s not. So sorry. I got the job at the Royal Court in 2008 and I’ve had a rather successful playwrighting career since then. Not to brag. It’s quite challenging too. In a way. Being as good as I am.”
“So wait. You’re in London. Did- What about ummm. Is Rob alive?”
The smile left London Jesse’s face “Robby? Bless. Darling, there’s some things that were just meant to happen. You can’t change everything. And you certainly can’t win everything.”
I turned to TV Jesse and Actor Jesse, they shook their heads. SF Jesse never met Rob. Which made me a bit sad, but a bit of understanding slipped in there as well. I returned my gaze to London Jesse. “I guess life has to be lived doesn’t it?”
London Jesse’s smile remained dormant. “Oh yes my dear Jesse. It must be lived.” A moment.
SF Jesse broke the silence “Gentlemen. Comrades all. I think it’s time to undo. All this. Are we of one mind? Can we processed with the things we need to process with?”
The Jesse’s all nodded their heads. Hands went to shoulders, there we smiles, sighs, we all were of a mind. The changes of time were all needed in their own ways. We made choices. Things happened. We did great things. We failed. We lived. There was no reliving things. There was no logic in going back over past decisions. The direction was forward. We all said this to one other. By not saying this. We all thought it. And we were all comforted.
“So! First Actor Jesse, you’ll need to send that message to bring me in so that this moment happens. Then Proper Jesse, you’ll need to send a message to past you, right before you send the message to TV Jesse, to prevent him from coming in the first place and prevent Andrea from discovering how to send people in general so that Actor and SF Jesses aren’t summoned as well. If that makes sense? Is that a bit complicated? So much timey whimey business isn’t it?” London Jesse had this all figured out. “But first. Just a thought, while we have a moment. ...Does anyone fancy a shag? I mean, we are all here...”
Elbows, asses, and cocks. Brown arms around brown arms. Tattoos on backs, no tattoos at all, fingers, hands, lips lips lips, knowing exactly what to do when. There was dirty talk and moaning and love, and there was a world of me.
A couple hours later I lay on London Jesse’s chest, Actor Jesse asleep on my lap, TV Jesse and SF Jesse still slowly kissing and stroking my arm, and I finally got the courage to ask London Jesse what had been on my mind for such a long time now.
“So how the fuck do you know Andrea?”
THE END