On Destruction
There was a time when I thought that I deserved it all. “I wanted everything to feed me”, as a poet once said. And I wanted the sun and the planets too, so I invented a gravity; a carefully constructed system to deliver all that bounty I was owed. A schedule! A plan! A role model! And by only seeking lightness, I knew nothing of the heavy. Nothing of the dark. And so in that manner, I invited the darkness to come for me.
When I was 19 I had this great plan for my life. You know the story of course, so there’s no need to go into details. But finding out that I was HIV positive left my life in ruin. The anger and sadness and disappointment; it was all so strong, it became reality. This is how it felt to hate god. Such a weight. But at the moment the sky fell down, did I tell you about the strange feeling that rose up in me for a just a moment? An unearthly lightness. What was that?
I’ve always been a cool motherfucker, but that is also not the truth. I constructed large portions of my personality and coolness at the feet of Robby the Archangel. He was a walking archetype of the bad ass, the cool, the wise, the magnanimous, the great caring big brother that sits on high above us all, all praise, we are all taken care of, we are all loved. And when he killed himself, I cried so hard I vomited and literally passed out. This template would not serve me. But there was no other. And the next morning, when I woke up in bed, crusty and seriously alone, what was that tender calm in my chest? What was that feeling?
My calendar was like my bible. Like, when I die, print that shit out and burry it on my chest, for it will tell you everything you need to know. When I thought that I was dying I started my calendar because I thought that I was only going to live for 5 more years and I had so much to do! How do you get lots done? Schedule it baby! This has of course also been a great vice. The comfort that comes from understanding what the future will be. But there is virtue there too. If I have a plan with you in the future, that means that I love you, and you love me, and our love extends forward, I can see it, there’s a mile marker out there without names on it, let’s run towards that. When the pandemic hit, and my calendar dissolved in my hands, it was truly horrifying for me. I wanted to do what I usually do when someone fucks with my schedule: Punishment, retaliation, right the ship, correct it. But who? What? And the day after the end of the world, what was that sensation? A loosening in my palms? What was that feeling of letting go?
It’s the wind blowing through a feild after the war is over. It’s the river, still running, despite the forrest fire raging on both shores. It’s standing in front of a firing squad. And at the last minute, the throwing up of hands. A stance of the golden cross. A smile. As you give it all up to-